What if I’m not saved after all?

The thought pierced through my heart as sweat shrouded my palms. I shifted myself under my covers for probably the hundredth time. The darkness around me pressed deeper into my mind and heart.

I wanted to scream.

Who was I praying to all these years then?

My mind drifted back to the time of my childhood – when the Gospel seeds were being sowed in my heart years before I came to know Jesus.

Salvation as a Child

When I was less than five years old, although my parents brought me to church every Sunday, I was still trapped in the bondage of sin and on my way to hell. I heard about God and Jesus many times in Sunday classes. In my mind, Jesus was just a character from a story. One evening, in the car, I looked out the window at the full moon, wondering if God is somewhere up there in the moon.

My family moved abroad when I was five years old and my parents continued to bring me to church. I memorized many verses well and could answer Bible questions easily; however, I still wasn’t freed from the chains of sin and couldn’t have a relationship with God.

I saw my sister’s baptism, after she was saved, and curiously asked my parents, “What is baptism? Do I become a Christian by getting baptized?” They explained that baptism doesn’t save you; rather, it is our testimony of showing that we have decided to follow Jesus.

Then one Sunday class, Revelations 3:20 prodded my heart: “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” (KJV)

My Sunday class instructor was teaching that Jesus wants to have a relationship with me and is knocking on my heart’s door.

When the lesson ended, my teacher prayed and asked if anyone wanted to know more about Jesus. I raised my hand. My teacher shared the Gospel with me and asked if I wanted to believe in Jesus as my Savior and be saved from my sins.

I said, “Yes”.

My teacher helped me to find the words while I prayed to Jesus. Thus, Christ freed me from the bondage of sin when I was seven years old.

However, my story didn’t end there. It was the beginning of living and growing in Christ and fellowshipping with Him.

Doubts of Salvation

During my early teens, I doubted if I was truly saved. A church, different from the aforementioned one, was subtly feeding lies regarding salvation. Another reason for my doubts was that I couldn’t remember much of the moment when the seven-year-old me had turned to Christ.

One of the lies the teacher told was that if I didn’t feel emotions during the moment of my salvation, I should question if I was truly saved. Because I barely had any feelings during the moment Christ saved me, I gradually had doubts if I was truly saved and this accumulated to the point where I slipped into depression.

I would wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and despair.

Lord, what if You never picked me to be saved? If You’ve never picked me. Who was I praying to and have a relationship with all along? What if I’m one of those people whom You say, I never knew you? Why didn’t I have any emotions back then?

Assurance of Salvation

Utterly distressed and contemplating suicide, I prayed to Jesus multiple times to save me from sin; however, those prayers failed to provide peace to my mind. I was paralyzed and reluctant to serve God because if I was truly unsaved all along, my actions were as worthless as dung. I was worthless to approach God’s presence. Until one day, John 10:27-28 dispelled my doubts,

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: and I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” (KJV)

Christ lifted me from the suffocating lies and reminded me of truth that lives. I was focusing on myself and that having feelings confirmed or held my salvation when Jesus was the One who has been holding my salvation all along.

Emotions should not be perceived as reliable indicators of salvation. The Bible never mentioned that our emotions are reliable indicators of salvation. Similarly, if a saved person is emotionally moved by the message of the Gospel every time they hear or read it, their emotions should not be trusted as indicators of determining whether they’re saved or not.

Instead of trusting emotions, we should trust Christ.

“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5 (KJV)

Furthermore, the Bible never mentioned that God chooses only certain people to be saved. His arms of salvation are open to whoever, not to specific people only.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16 (KJV, emphasis added)

Christ is holding my soul. For the sake of example, even if I stray far away from Him, which I’m not encouraging you to do, He is still holding my salvation. My late grandmother, who trusted in Christ, had dementia during her last years on earth. Although she had forgotten Jesus, He remembers her and holds her eternal life.

Dear Rose, if you find yourself doubting your salvation due to lies, fight them with the Bible. Satan wants you paralyzed with fiery darts of lies and fears to restrict you from loving and glorifying Jesus through your life.

Truth is, Christ has secured you forever, regardless of how you feel.

Therefore, with your faith in John 10:27-28, you can have confidence in Christ that He is holding your salvation.

Have you ever doubted your salvation?

 Comment below, Roses, and let’s uplift each other!

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